Life: What exactly makes people to fall in love? by Dr. Chris Hart

Have you ever been passionately in love? It’s such a strange feeling. So intense. An all-consuming longing for your lover. You idealize your partner and think about them all the time. Wanting to know everything about them; to please them and understand their feelings. To be close to them. And you experience such a roller coaster of emotions: joy, happiness, serenity, anxiety, panic and despair.

Passionate love’s driven by hope, loneliness and jealousy. A mixture of pain and pleasure. It can be a bitter sweet experience. For some so painful they hope never to fall in love again.

Everyone thinks women are romantic. But actually it’s men who fall in love more easily! Women are much more likely to be sensible and practical. Even so, men and women of all ages and every ethnic and socio-economic group fall in love. Passion’s part of being human-all over the world. Anthropologists have studied love portions, folklore, tales about lovers and advice to them just about everywhere.

They find romance in every corner of the globe. Although it takes different shapes in different places. Film makers, novelists and song writers of course tend to present a western ideal of passionate love. An inevitable progression from flirting to marriage, elsewhere it’s often more elusive.

But everywhere lovers do the same things. Like running off together in defiance of family or tradition, pinning for each other and writing soppy poems. Why do we fall in love? Well, it’s often not what you think. For example, couples are much more likely to fall in love if they meet when they’re anxious or afraid. A very famous experiment arranged for an attractive woman to speak to young men just after they’d crossed a really scary, rickety and high suspension bridge. She spoke to others after they’d crossed another very ordinary bridge.

She asked each man if he’d help her by completing a questionnaire. After which she gave him a telephone number, saying she’d be happy to explain her ‘project’ to him in greater detail. Far more of the men who’d crossed the suspension bridge called her compared to the men who crossed the other one.

OK, it’s possible they were just interested in her project-but it’s much more likely that the excitement of crossing the dangerous bridge made them feel more amorous. Not surprisingly, there are many other things that affect whether we fall in love. For example whether you find the other person attractive, whether they seem to like you too, whether you have a lot in common, whether you live or work close together, specifics like hair color, eyes and face shape, social status, whether you’re ready for a relationship and whether or not you’re lonely.

Inevitably, good looks and personality turn out to be very important-but love’s always a two way thing. The feelings that the other person finds you attractive seems to be critical. Mutual liking is a universal trigger-across all cultures and for both men and women.

Many aspects of being in love are similar to commitment. The importance of friendship, trust, caring, respect, honesty and contentment, for example. What’s unique about love is the importance of intimacy, happiness and being together. Surprisingly although men tend to rate sex more highly than women, both rate romance, touching and passionate sex less important than support and mutual warmth. Lovers also give high ratings to self disclosure. Talking about personal matters and agreeing on important topics. Telling each other how they enjoy being together. And how they miss one another when apart.

Men and women agree-roughly-on what’s romantic. For women: flowers, kisses, candle lit dinners and cuddling. Showing a woman that you love her rates higher than saying “I love you”. So say it with flowers instead!

Men also rate kissing and candle-lit dinners-and prefer demonstrations of love to saying “I love you” even more than women. Hearing and saying ‘I love you’ just doesn’t work for men! Nor does dancing or surprise gifts, although all three are on women’s top-ten list. Men also like three activities women never even mention: holding hands, making love-and sitting together. But for both sexes, love is more tender than most of us imagine.

That’s not to say that when we’re in love we all behave alike. Each of us has a style that colors what we do. And yours may match your partner’s-so you’d best understand their approach, because it determines how your partner’s likely to treat you!

There are six basic styles-although you can have more than one, and changes with time and events. So at college you might be passionate and quick to get involved, biased towards physical attraction and sexual satisfaction. Later you may find yourself valuing love based on friendship with a partner with like values.

Other lovers are game players who like to have several partners at once. Their partners may be different from one another, because such lovers don’t act on romantic ideals. Some lovers experience great emotional highs and lows. They’re very possessive, often jealous and are forever doubting their partner’s sincerity.

Others are more pragmatic. They prefer someone who fills their needs. They’re happy to trade drama and excitement for a partner they can build their life with. Yet others form relationships because of what they can give their partner. Even sex is no big issue to them. They function on a more spiritual level.

Love styles show some gender differences. Men are more game playing. Women tend to value friendship, be more pragmatic-and experience more highs and lows. But on the whole, the sexes are more similar than different. And it’s noticeable that couples who stay together tend to be more passionate and less game-playing than couples who break up.

Your love style- and therefore how you treat your partner-may reflect the relationship you had with your mother. Those whose mothers were unavailable or unresponsive tend to grow up to be detached, unresponsive, and to avoid intimacy. They rarely find love. Those who could not rely on their mothers-because they were sometimes responsive, sometimes not-usually have a more anxious and ambivalent approach to relationships. They tend to be dependent and to demand commitment. Their love lives are full of emotional highs and lows, and they’re possessive and jealous. But children who had consistently responsive care become trusting and confident lovers. They form stable, happy and long lasting relationships.

But what really matters is that when it comes to love men and women are more alike than different. For all their quarrels, they share very similar attitudes-and are happiest together.

If you would like to contact Dr. Hart for counselling or coaching, kindly send him an email on:

nyumbayangu@mac.com

Life: Today is February 29th...Leap Year! Did you know?

 A leap year (or intercalary or bissextile year) is a year containing one additional day (or, in the case of lunisolar calendars, a month) in order to keep the calender year synchronized with the astronomical or seasonal year. Because seasons and astronomical events do not repeat in a whole number of days, a calendar that had the same number of days in each year would, over time, drift with respect to the event it was supposed to track. By occasionally inserting (or intercalating) an additional day or month into the year, the drift can be corrected. A year that is not a leap year is called a common year.
February 29 is a date that usually occurs every four years, and is called leap year day. This day is added to the calendar in leap years as a corrective measure, because the earth does not orbit around the sun in precisely 365 days.

Folk traditions

In the British Isles, it is a tradition that women may propose marriage only on leap years. While it has been claimed that the tradition was initiated by Saint Patrick or Brigid of Kildare in 5th century Ireland, this is dubious, as the tradition has not been attested before the 19th century. Supposedly, a 1288 law by Queen Margaret of Scotland (then age five and living in Norway), required that fines be levied if a marriage proposal was refused by the man; compensation ranged from a kiss to £1 to a silk gown, in order to soften the blow. In some places the tradition was tightened to restricting female proposals to the modern leap year day, February 29, or to the medieval (bissextile) leap year day, February 24.
According to Felten: "A play from the turn of the 17th century, 'The Maydes Metamorphosis,' has it that 'this is leape year/women wear breeches.' A few hundred years later, breeches wouldn't do at all: Women looking to take advantage of their opportunity to pitch woo were expected to wear a scarlet petticoat—fair warning, if you will."
In Denmark, the tradition is that women may propose on the bissextile leap year day, February 24, and that refusal must be compensated with 12 pairs of gloves.
In Finland, the tradition is that if a man refuses a woman's proposal on leap year day, he should buy her the fabrics for a skirt.
In Greece, marriage in a leap year is considered unlucky. One in five engaged couples in Greece will plan to avoid getting married in a leap year.

 1908 postcards

 Woman capturing man with butterfly-net. 

 Women anxiously awaiting January 1st 

 Histrionically preparing 

A person born on February 29 may be called a "leapling" or a "leaper". In common years they usually celebrate their birthdays on February 28 or March 1. In some situations, March 1 is used as the birthday in a non-leap year since it is the day following February 28.
Technically, a leapling will have fewer birthday anniversaries than their age in years. This phenomenon is exploited when a person claims to be only a quarter of their actual age, by counting their leap-year birthday anniversaries only. In Gilbert and Sullivan's 1879 comic opera The Pirates of Penzance, Frederic the pirate apprentice discovers that he is bound to serve the pirates until his 21st birthday rather than until his 21st year.
For legal purposes, legal birthdays depend on how local laws count time intervals.

Life: Why You're Not Married

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love.
Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.